REJECTION

BY ALEXANDRA SPIROU, M.D.

Today is one of those really nice days outside where I had my car windows rolled down while running errands in my hometown. Michigan is notorious for having its residents experience all four seasons in one day during Springtime, so I’m glad today’s weather decided to actually feel like Spring. The sun is shining bright as I pull into the driveway of my parents house. The first fitting for my wedding dress is tomorrow and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m lucky enough that I get to marry my best friend, someone who makes me happy and makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I smile then because I see that my fiancé, Will, is calling me just as I walk in the door. The house is empty as I pick up the phone. 

“Hey sweetie,” I say as I start taking off my shoes by the back door. “What’s up?”

“Hey,” says Will with a flat tone to his voice. 

“Is everything okay?” I ask, a little worried now. 

He sighs before he replies, “I want to break up.”

“…Are you serious?” I ask as my stomach drops. No, my stomach didn’t drop, this is a different feeling. Somehow there’s a lift and sense of relief in the pit of my stomach. No…this doesn’t make sense. William is my everything...my soulmate, my rock, and my best friend. And he just said he wants to break up. That is what he said, right? I reflexively stare at the engagement ring on my left ring finger and run my thumb over the diamond in the center. I’ve developed a habit of spinning my engagement ring with my thumb when I’m nervous. Am I nervous right now? Is this really happening? We have been together for over six years and engaged since last year. I don’t understand why he’s saying this out of the blue. Wait, why isn’t Will saying anything else?…maybe he’s just kidding and this is a big joke that I’m somehow not in on. Right, his groomsmen must have put him up to this. I can never tell when his best man, Kevin, is serious; he practically speaks in ‘sarcasm.’ Maybe Kevin put him up to this.

The sense of relief is still there. I shake my head and push that feeling away as it’s quickly replaced by nausea and light-headedness.

“Yes, I’m serious. I want to break up.” Will sounds so sure of himself. He has a firmness in his voice that I’ve never heard before.  

“How long have you felt this way? When did you make this decision?” As I forced myself to utter those words, my voice seemed to raise at least an octave when I said the words ‘when’ and ‘decision.’

Will sighed briefly and replied, “A while.”

“Exactly how long is ‘a while’?” my voice was now shaking and it was hard not to sound shrill when saying ‘a while.’

“Since I last saw you on Sunday.”

My heart sank. Today is Thursday. “You…” I had to choke back a sob. Don’t cry, I told myself. “You’ve known for five days? And you didn’t tell m—” I couldn’t quite spit out the word ‘me’. I try to take a deep breath, but it is a shallow one instead. I let out a shuddering exhale as I keep trying not to lose control, keep trying not to cry. I will not let him have that satisfaction of knowing he has the power to make me cry, I want to keep it together. Now I’m trying to cling to that sense of relief as that feeling gets smaller and smaller, like watching a slow-moving train as it pulls away from the station. I took a deep steadying breath and continued, “Can we at least talk about this? We can’t just be together for six years and not talk about why you want to break up. I’m not giving up on us this easily. This needs to be a discussion, at least!” I am not ready to give up on this relationship without a fight. I normally hate confrontation and I honestly try to avoid it at all costs, but Will is worth me stepping out of my comfort zone and fighting for our relationship—fighting for the person I think I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. 

“Look, Cass, it’s simple,” I suddenly hate hearing my nickname when it comes out of his mouth. “For one thing, you knew that I never wanted to get married. I never believed in marriage and I’m the furthest thing from a religious person. But we had to do things your way. We were set to get married, and not just that, but get married at a church. Like, that’s just not me. But I went along with it because I love you and I wanted to make you happy. But I can’t do that, I can’t keep compromising when you never compromise with anything that I want!”

When he said “were set to get married” it felt like a punch to the gut. He was using the past tense. I did not dwell on that because he made a statement that simply isn’t true. “Are you serious? You’re really saying I never compromise?!” I’m starting to raise my voice now, “Once we have enough money to buy a house, I agreed to live in Midland and start our lives there. Fucking Midland, Will! You know I’m a city girl and I love living in Royal Oak and being close to Detroit. But when I was done with law school you asked, no practically begged, for us to live in Midland for fucking ever. And you know what? I agreed to do that because I love you. I’m the one making the sacrifice here. I’m not going to enjoy my job as a lawyer nearly as much in that small shit town compared to if I were working in Royal Oak or Detroit. Can you just stop thinking about yourself for one second and think about what I was going to do for you?!” I’m breathing heavily now and my hands are shaking so much that it’s hard to hold the phone against my ear. I know I’ve made him just as mad. I have never spoken about his beloved hometown like that, ever. There is a silence on the other end of the phone for so long that I wonder if I accidentally pressed the mute button.

“Sacrifice?! You are really going to bring up sacrifice here?!” Will is yelling and it scares me. He has never yelled at me before. “We have been long-distance since day one. After we started to get serious, you asked me if I was okay with staying in a long-distance relationship, because you couldn’t move away from Royal Oak and your stupid job as a paralegal. But I didn’t care back then, because I was absolutely crazy about you. I was willing to live two fucking hours away from the one I love because I knew we’d get married one day and you’d finally be with me, really be with me for once. Then you had to decide to go to law school in Detroit. And I just let you do that, be away from me for three more years, while I just waited around and was strung along. I thought proposing to you last year would mean that you’d leave your job in Royal Oak and come live with me. But no, how could you even think about doing ONE thing for me?! You’re so selfish, Cass, I just can’t do it anymore. I love you, you know I do, but I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be with you anymore” 

I’m stunned, and angrier than ever, to know that he can say all of those things about me not sacrificing for him because I was focusing on my career. I’m 29 and he’s 32, doesn’t he realize we’re both still young and have our whole lives ahead of us? I meant it when I told him I would live in Midland forever. It’s not my favorite place in the world, but if it meant living with the love of my life, I would live there. We used to quote that song ‘home’ by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, particularly the line that goes “home is wherever I’m with you”; William is...was...home to me. I thought that I’d find happiness and have a good life with him in Midland. I should apologize for calling it a shit town. 

I sighed and finally replied, “Will, I’m sorry. You know I love you and I’d live in, I dunno, Siberia if it meant living with you.” And then I hear a ‘click’. He hung up the phone. I stare at my phone and the picture of me and Will at the zoo, which takes up my entire screen, and I see that it’s 3:37 p.m. I shake my head, unlock my phone with the pin, and quickly call Will back. I’m mad again as I realize he hung up on me. Then I look at my phone as I realize it didn’t even ring and went straight to voicemail. “Did he block my number?” I whisper. My phone dings and I see it’s because of a Facebook message from Will.

Please don’t call me. Do not contact me or anyone in my family. If you do, they’ll ignore your calls or just block you, too. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I need to get over you and I need space. Good luck with your job in Royal Oak, I’m sure you’ll be a great lawyer there. It’s like your parents kept telling you, you’re too good for me and you can do better. I hope you find someone better, Cass. You can keep the ring, I don’t want it back. I’m sorry.

***

This story isn’t fiction; it’s loosely based on a relationship I had with my ex-fiancé. My ex and I were engaged for 3 years and together for over 10 years. He ended our relationship over the phone shortly before our wedding. Writing this story was one way to help give me closure and explore my feelings surrounding that time of major change in my life. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even a heart-wrenching rejection. I know I’m better off without my ex-fiancé and I am happier now than I ever was with him. 

I wanted to share a story this personal to show readers of this column that even if a terrible situation seems like the end of the world it usually, if not always, means the start of a new beginning and opens up doors for something better than you could ever imagine. Rejection is painful, I’m not denying that. But I’m grateful that in my case rejection meant the start of an unexpected new relationship with a person who makes me feel more beautiful, at peace, and happier than I could have ever imagined. For those of you who are going through a time of rejection, remember my story and that the experience will only make you stronger and leave you open to exciting new experiences that may be better than your wildest dreams.