ACCEPTANCE

By Alexandra Spirou, M.D.

When Will told me he wanted to break-up I initially felt this feeling of relief and a ‘lift’ in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t understand that feeling for a long time, but boy, did I ever cling to it. That feeling of relief when Will ended our 6-year relationship gave me reassurance that we weren’t really meant to be together and that the breakup was for the best. There were sad, dark moments after our relationship ended where I felt disconnected from my friends and family and was going through the motions during my day-to-day routine; Will made me think I was worthless. That feeling of relief was my light, a beacon of hope when I was deep into those dark moments and sad thoughts. 

It had been 8 months since Will broke up with me and called off our wedding. At first the time after our breakup went by slowly and I spent a lot of time feeling down and empty inside. Even though I had that feeling of relief when Will said he wanted to break up that didn’t change the fact that I had spent over six years as his girlfriend and fiance; Will was the man who I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. It took a lot of time to get over that. It was truly a grieving process…I lost my person, someone who I was ready to commit to for life. It took 8 months of self-reflection, journaling, and admittedly a lot of therapy sessions, to learn to fully love myself again and move on from that loss. 

Those first few weeks after the breakup were tough. Will breaking up with me over the phone left me feeling absolutely blindsided. At first it felt weird to not have my engagement ring on. For the first few weeks after the breakup I’d go to try and touch it or play with it, then I remember I put in back in its jewelry box and in another bigger container of ‘wedding stuff.’ What was even worse during those first few weeks though was having to tell family and friends that the wedding was called off; the look of absolute pity on people’s faces just made me feel worse. 

Now I feel like all of those bad feelings are behind me. I’m loving my job, have re-connected with old friends, and have taken the time to rediscover who I am on my own. 

“Come on Cassy, it’s been more than enough time to start dating again,” urged Jessica, interrupting my train of thought. Jessica has been one of my best friends for over a decade. We were roommates in college and went to law school together, too. I was so grateful that she has been with me every step of the way and helping me navigating this breakup.

I smiled and replied, “I know, I know, you’re right. It’s just scary…going back into the ‘dating world.’ I haven’t dated anyone new in over 6 years, like I think I forget how to flirt.” 

Jessica laughed and said “I’m sure it’s like riding a bike, you never forget.” I shook my head and returned my attention to the online dating profile I was trying to fill out. My friends had told me about the dating app ‘Hinge’ and that it’s for people trying to find more long-term relationships. I definitely was not up for something like ‘Tinder’ or ‘Bumble’ where people who are on those apps primarily want a hook-up of some kind. I’m 29 years-old, I’m too old to waste my time like that. I knew that 8 months wasn’t that long after being in a long-term relationship, but I really felt ready to put myself out there again and find a new partner. 

Hinge is kind of cool because you get to write little ‘prompts’ about yourself that guys can comment on. My favorite prompt starts with “I go crazy for…” and I completed the prompt by writing, “The Detroit Tigers and quality broadway musicals”. I finished the rest of my profile, gave it to Jessica to review, and officially completed it. Now I just had to wait to comments on my prompts or photos and see if I wanted to continue the conversation. 

There were a few ‘duds’ that I texted with initially, including a few single dad’s and divorced guys. I did keep my age preferences between age 29 - 34, and Jessica said I should expand those preferences a bit. At first I wasn’t sure about it because I always told myself I would never date a guy who was younger than me, but eventually I complied after Jess bugged me about it for over a week. “Okay there,” I said as I changed the age range preferences to between 27 - 34. 

A couple of days later I got a response to my “I go crazy for…” prompt. It was from a guy named Dave and he was 27 years-old. His response said, “I’m not the biggest baseball fan, but I got really into musicals during the pandemic. I was supposed to see Hamilton with a friend of mine but then broadway shut down!” Interesting, I thought. Most guys are not all into musicals and this guy admitted to liking them and wanting to see one of the highest quality musicals out there? I was definitely intrigued and started a conversation with him. 

Eventually Dave and I went from texting to having phone conversations to Facetiming. This went on for a few weeks. I insisted that I wanted to get to know him a bit better before meeting in person, and he (to my surprise) was totally okay with that. Dave and I have a lot in common, including that we both used to take hip hop classes growing up and that we both fell in love with choreographing and did so during college. When we started dating Hamilton wasn’t touring yet, but we had just as much fun watching the Disney+ version of Hamilton at his apartment. 

Dave is definitely more introverted compared to anyone I have ever dated, but it works well because I’m a huge extrovert. I have a really good feeling about him, and it’s only been 3 months. I have my guard up because I’m afraid of getting hurt again, but I have to admit that I’m falling for Dave. He’s the most caring and thoughtful man I’ve ever met and he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. It’ll take me some time to fully ‘let him in’ and trust him but I have a feeling I’ll get there. Most importantly, Dave makes me feel so genuinely happy, happier than I’ve ever been. No matter what happens, I’m holding onto this feeling… this feeling of being truly accepted for all that I am. No matter what happens with our relationship, Dave has taught me that I can love someone else after what happened with my ex; that I have accepted what happened in my past and am so excited for what the future holds.

***

When Will called to break up with me and said the words “We need to talk,” I actually thought it had something to do with the wedding—like maybe he wanted to change the number of people at the reception. When he said “I want to break up” it was shocking. I remember feeling so taken aback and remember my heart beating hard and fast against my chest. It didn’t seem real, it felt like I was paralyzed. But I do vividly remember the strong sense of relief and the ‘lift’ in the pit of my stomach when Will said those words. That’s what I want to focus on, the sheer relief I felt at him ending our 6-year relationship, despite my feelings of shock, sadness, and loss. Something deep inside of me knew that he wasn’t the right person for me, even though consciously I was so sure about the two of us and loved him so much. I did love Will and he was my whole world. Will was such a big part of who I was, and after the breakup I had to remember who I am without him. I had to accept that he will never be a part of my life anymore, and that that was okay. I know I am an incredible woman with big dreams and a bright future ahead of me. If I’ve learned anything from that breakup it’s that I know my worth, and Will is not worth my time or my tears.